Dear beloved friends and readers
I said on youtube comment that I would write a bit more about what is going on personally. I have ‘met’ many wonderful people through this youtube channel and its beautiful to know there are so many who are waking up to the madness.
I will repeat some of the stuff I wrote on the channel and add to it.
In July I was diagnosed with nodules on my vocal chords. I believe that this was co-created by me and I take responsibility in doing that. I think it came from shouting on the streets (which is an abuse of the voice) and then going to my gigs and singing.
On a physical level, this means that I have to remain virtually silent for the next few weeks, possibly months. On a spiritual level, it is very interesting that I have co-created this reality. Especially as both my hobby (speaking in public, making the vids etc) and my profession (singing) are dependent on my voice !
I feel that I have been forced (by myself and life) to look inside more; to evaluate where I am at. What I do on the streets is a very external process and for me it is so much easier to look outwards than to look within at the cobwebs and addictions that seem so ingrained.
As we are creatures of habit, it is natural that we do things, (jobs, hobbies, behaviours) over and over again and stop questioning them, especially if they give us a buzz. That is my experience with the street stuff. And to top it all, we get all these beautiful comments, encouraging us to continue.
I have now been almost silent for 10 days. It is very challenging. At times it is wonderful and powerful, at others it is excruciatingly frustrating, especially when I am left looking after our 2 year old and he is asking me for something and I cant respond. A lot of feelings are coming up and my usual response would be to use addictions to dumb them down. For me a primary addiction is food. I think to some extent a very high percentage of us in the west use food to dumb down feelings. The food we eat is full of addictive substances (sugar, salt, oily foods) which literally bring down the level of vibration of thought. I am having little bit of success on some days where I attempt to eat mainly raw food and attempt to avoid eating after 7 pm. So when I manage this I am left with this hollowness which is perhaps the meeting with myself.
I am asking myself , what is it that these addictions (Another addiction is computer, email and internet use which is very hard to break) are masking ? Why do I need to do/be/have in order for the addictions to fade away ? What gap are they filling ?
I am also asking myself ‘What am I doing these videos for ?’ What do I really want for them ?
The process I use is meditation. I sit quietly, with my eyes closed and put out the questions to the universe so to speak and then sit for however long and see what comes up. I am still in the process of creating space for answers to arise.
As regards making these videos, at times I feel afraid. I am not even sure there is such a thing as a new World Order. I am not sure how much of these ‘conspiracies’ are accurate. (My therapist said recently that we are all ‘conspiring’ to do things all the time!) I am not sure of very much at all. What I do find is that any belief I cling on to seems to get blown out of the water eventually. But if we assume that there is an evil bunch of people at the top who will stop at nothing in order to gain total control over us, then it makes me wonder how wise it is to do what I do ? Its not as if Charlie and I are going to stop the New World Order !! And they have my details and I am on their Goddamn Database. I know already that I am down as a troublemaker. So I feel I am putting myself ‘at risk.’ Although I am not sure what risk.
A therapist friend once told me that he had rarely met someone who was more afraid of death than me. Quite a compliment (with friends like this…) I sometimes wonder about fear of death in relation to this anti new world order movement. It seems that many in this loose movement seem afraid of death. What is the worst thing the PTB can do ? Lock me up ? Kill me ?
Then there come the deeper questions ? Who am I ? Is there really an ‘I’ at all ? Have we been brainwashed to be separate beings when we are really part of the oneness ?
To be continued….