The videos and the silence

Dear beloved friends and readers

I said on youtube comment that I would write a bit more about what is going on personally. I have ‘met’ many wonderful people through this youtube channel and its beautiful to know there are so many who are waking up to the madness.

I will repeat some of the stuff I wrote on the channel and add to it.

In July I was diagnosed with nodules on my vocal chords. I believe that this was co-created by me and I take responsibility in doing that. I think it came from shouting on the streets (which is an abuse of the voice) and then going to my gigs and singing.

On a physical level, this means that I have to remain virtually silent for the next few weeks, possibly months. On a spiritual level, it is very interesting that I have co-created this reality. Especially as both my hobby (speaking in public, making the vids etc) and my profession (singing) are dependent on my voice !

I feel that I have been forced (by myself and life) to look inside more; to evaluate where I am at. What I do on the streets is a very external process and for me it is so much easier to look outwards than to look within at the cobwebs and addictions that seem so ingrained.

As we are creatures of habit, it is natural that we do things, (jobs, hobbies, behaviours) over and over again and stop questioning them, especially if they give us a buzz. That is my experience with the street stuff. And to top it all, we get all these beautiful comments, encouraging us to continue.

I have now been almost silent for 10 days. It is very challenging. At times it is wonderful and powerful, at others it is excruciatingly frustrating, especially when I am left looking after our 2 year old and he is asking me for something and I cant respond. A lot of feelings are coming up and my usual response would be to use addictions to dumb them down. For me a primary addiction is food. I think to some extent a very high percentage of us in the west use food to dumb down feelings. The food we eat is full of addictive substances (sugar, salt, oily foods) which literally bring down the level of vibration of thought. I am having little bit of success on some days where I attempt to eat mainly raw food and attempt to avoid eating after 7 pm. So when I manage this I am left with this hollowness which is perhaps the meeting with myself.

I am asking myself , what is it that these addictions (Another addiction is computer, email and internet use which is very hard to break) are masking ? Why do I need to do/be/have in order for the addictions to fade away ? What gap are they filling ?

I am also asking myself ‘What am I doing these videos for ?’ What do I really want for them ?

The process I use is meditation. I sit quietly, with my eyes closed and put out the questions to the universe so to speak and then sit for however long and see what comes up. I am still in the process of creating space for answers to arise.

As regards making these videos, at times I feel afraid. I am not even sure there is such a thing as a new World Order. I am not sure how much of these ‘conspiracies’ are accurate. (My therapist said recently that we are all ‘conspiring’ to do things all the time!) I am not sure of very much at all. What I do find is that any belief I cling on to seems to get blown out of the water eventually. But if we assume that there is an evil bunch of people at the top who will stop at nothing in order to gain total control over us, then it makes me wonder how wise it is to do what I do ? Its not as if Charlie and I are going to stop the New World Order !! And they have my details and I am on their Goddamn Database. I know already that I am down as a troublemaker. So I feel I am putting myself ‘at risk.’ Although I am not sure what risk.

A therapist friend once told me that he had rarely met someone who was more afraid of death than me. Quite a compliment (with friends like this…) I sometimes wonder about fear of death in relation to this anti new world order movement. It seems that many in this loose movement seem afraid of death. What is the worst thing the PTB can do ? Lock me up ? Kill me ?

Then there come the deeper questions ? Who am I ? Is there really an ‘I’ at all ? Have we been brainwashed to be separate beings when we are really part of the oneness ?

To be continued….

Buddhist Humanists

Last night I went to a meeting of Buddhist Humanists. I was invited by a woman who I sat next to at a recent Howard Jones concert (For those old enough to remember he was the electronic icon of the 80s and only recently have I realised how ahead of his time he was in terms of his lyrics.)

I thought I was going to a meeting which was an encounter between Buddhists and non-Buddhists. In a way it was, but I felt that they were trying to convert me and I told them that I had enough trouble being Jewish, there ain't no way i'm gonna be a Buddhist too ! (Although they did point out that I wouldnt be lonely as a Jewish Buddhist - the leadfer of their particluar group in the UK is Jewish of course!)

This particular brand of Buddhism is rather beautiful I thought. It is based oon the idea that we all have 'Buddha nature' i.e. that we all have the potential to be and do good in the world, and their practise is to see that in themselves and in others, and see our interconnectedness through chanting and good action.

I found it encouraging that there are an estimated 7 million Buddhist Humanists around the world. Add the number of regular Buddhists, New agers, enlightened religious folk from all religions etc and you start getting close to critical mass. The question is just how to get these people connected. the answer may well be technology but thats another blog.

I did object to one aspect though that I find in almost all religion I have encountered. They were saying that their way was the only way to save the world. Neale Walsch, author of Conversations with God, has suggested that if only religious leaders would get up and declare 'Ours is not the only way, ours is just one way' we could clear up a lot of the mess. It was hard for them to hear what i was saying as they were invested in their system but I think they did hear it to a certain extent. Also, they speak about dialogue being an important way forward to healing the world.

As usual, synchronicity was present last night. To find out more, please read the next post.